Video Game Clichés = ROFLMFAO

We’ve all seen them, whether we’re conscious of it or not.

For the intense or casual gamers alike, there are so many things in video games that happen so frequently that we’re not even aware of them happening. It’s almost hilarious how our mind doesn’t even register that these things that our minds are so oblivious to, realistically, are impossible.

What are these things I’m referring to?

I’m glad you asked.

Why you so cliche for, Leon?! (SOURCE: Screenshot from Resident Evil 4 game)

Why you so cliché for, Leon?! (SOURCE: Screenshot from Resident Evil 4 game)

Here are Solstice Satisfaction’s top video game clichés:

Health packs, which may also come in the form of food
Your character just got slashed by a sword about 20 times and is now on the brink of death. What do you do to fix this? You grab a conveniently located health pack that is glowing compared to the rest of the environment. I appreciate the thought put into these health packs, but I know that if I got punched in the face by Ronda Rousey, a simple white bag with a red cross on it is not going to help the situation at all. Or, if health packs aren’t you thing, let’s make a quick reference to Gauntlet Legends – which I would argue to be the most underrated game on the N64 platform – where, instead of health packs, they have pieces of meat scattered throughout the world. The best part? When your character eats that piece of meat lying on the dirt, he/she will say something like “Mmm! I like food!”

Double jumping… or pretty much just jumping in general
I don’t know about you, but I don’t do much jumping in my personal life. The only time I can think of when a jump is necessary in my life is when I need to get higher up on the pole I’m about to swing on. Other than that, if a certain area is too high for me, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m not going to jump around to get up to it. I’d find a ladder of some sort like a normal person. Some video games, however, stretch this idea by making it possible to jump… and then jump again from mid air. Just imagine if that were possible. Seriously. Imagine all these people jumping in mid air. It’d be hilarious.

Invisible walls, hopefully a thing of the past
For some reason, you want to read what’s on the back of that vending machine in the corner. You run to it. Hey! You can’t get any closer because there seems to be some impenetrable force blocking you. Congratulations! You have just run into an invisible wall! Seen less and less these days due to the ever increasing video games and open world RPGs, the invisible wall deserves its spot in video game history and not present. Speaking of walls…

Running a marathon, in the same spot, against a wall
I can’t even begin to describe just how funny this is. You’re running your character through the area and you’ve come up against a wall. You didn’t have enough time to turn the character around, so it’s simply just going to keep running against the wall, not actually moving and not actually blasting the wall like a normal person would. I tried running against a wall like this once as a child… it did not turn out okay.

Male protagonists, damsels in distress
I can’t even begin to count how many games I’ve played where you are forced to play a male character and along the way, there is some poor womanly soul who needs rescuing. I don’t know about you but this cliché is mega outdated. I mean, put this way; who would be the saviour and who would be the victim in the duo of Ronda Rousey and the bloke who plays Ron Weasley? Think about it. Girls kick ass too.

No sleep, no bladder, no worries!
Have you ever noticed how the character you are controlling never has to eat, use the toilet, sleep, or sit down? I mean, if you think about it, they’ve only been scouring the lands since about 40 hours of gameplay ago. Surely they’ve got the runs. Or an insane desire to down a Big Mac. But no. Video game characters aren’t really human after all.

Quick time events… but why?
Nothing is worse than watching a cutscene in the middle of a game you’re playing and then realising that it isn’t a cut scene and is in fact a quick time event but because you got too lazy, you ended up missing the quick time action and dying? Maybe that’s just me, but these quick time events – which are basically like interactive scenes and not actual gameplay – are so annoying that I’m sad to see Resident Evil 4 use them a lot. Such a brilliant game tainted with such stupid quick time events.

If you have any other hated clichés, let us know in the comments.

– by Noah La’ulu

Top 10 Video Game Characters We Awkwardly Find Attractive

Video game characters – or characters that are fictional in any way COUGH COUGH – are just that: not real.

Yet for some odd reason, these animated game characters are attractive, whether it be for their appearance, looks, quirkyness or just all around badassness. Most preferably the last of the lot, because everyone loves a badass.

In no particular order, here are the top 10 video game characters that one shouldn’t be attracted to (because they’re not real) but is anyway:

10. Crimson Viper (Street Fighter series)
crimsonviper

I don’t know what is hotter about Crimson Viper – the fact that she has Eva Marie-esque long red hair or her techno suit that turns an otherwise ordinary sassy businesswoman into a spectacular fighter. Also, how sexy is the name “Crimson Viper”. I can assure you that if I ever met someone with that name over the phone, I would assume she’d be as badass as C. Viper here. Let’s also make a quick mention of how her breasts hang so casually from her otherwise conservative outfit. And her midriff which shows her well toned stomach.

9. Nathan Drake (Uncharted series)
nathandrake

It shouldn’t take one long to realise why Nathan Drake is on this list; he is almost the quintessential male action hero. He’s tall, big, strong with rugged manly features, has an uncanny ability to stay alive even in the most dangerous situations, and a certain charm to him that would make even the most headstrong woman (or man) flutter their eyes. Can we also just take a second and appreciate his man scarf? Only Nathan Drake could pull something off like that.

8. Morrigan Aensland (Darkstalker series)
morriganaensland

If I told you to picture a succubus character, you would imagine a ghastly looking vampiric creature of the night. What you get in Darkstalkers, however, is Morrigan Aensland, who has more than her heart pouring out, if you know what I mean. Not that I’ve ever seen anyone with a light shade of green to their hair, but I think Morrigan pulls it off well, along with her bat-print leggings. Oh, and the bat wings growing out of her head. I bet you didn’t even notice that until now.

7. Joel (Last of Us)
joellastofus

If there is one outstanding feature about this man’s man who resembles a more rugged, post-apocalyptic George Clooney, it’s his unwavering loyalty to his travelling companion Ellie. He is willing to put his life on the line for a little girl who he wouldn’t have known from a bar of soap previously, and is also willing to keep the zombiepocalypse going if it means keeping her alive. Don’t even get me started on when he refers to Ellie as “baby girl”. It hurts too much.

6. Juliet Starling (Lollipop Chainsaw)
julietstarling

If you don’t find a zombie hunting cheerleader with a chainsaw as weapon of choice and a decapitated head as a boyfriend, there must be something wrong with you. Juliet is everything a regular zombie hero isn’t: bright, happy and slightly naive. She makes up for her limited weaknesses with being ridiculously cute (“Don’t be racist against cows, Nick!”) and for filling out a high school cheerleader outfit so well.

5. Ellis (Left 4 Dead 2)
ellisl4d2
My friend described Ellis’ looks very well when she compared him to Chace Crawford. Ellis isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree but his innocent view on the world combined with his boy-next-door good looks make him the ideal partner in any zombiepocalypse situation. Hell, even if there wasn’t a zombiepocalypse and you just wanted someone to hang out with – and stare at – Ellis is your man. How could you say no to that face?

4. Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat series)
sonyablade
Every man and same-gender-attracted female appreciates a good pair of legs on a woman. Imagine if that woman’s legs were so strong that she could pick someone up in a handstand and split their body in half. Well, the only woman I know who can do that is Sonya Blade, MK’s resident army brat. Not only could Sonya dazzle you with her all-American girl beauty and tight leather pants, she could also save your ass if you were cornered in a dark alley by a group of King hitters. And she could do it with just one blown kiss.

3. Norman Jayden (Heavy Rain)
normanjayden

While others would argue that fellow Heavy Rain castmate Ethan Mars is more attractive, one can not look past Norman Jayden’s RIDICULOUSLY cute accent which makes it sound like he’s pronouncing his name “Nah-men”. He’s the cop you want on your side if you ever get in a pickle and you need someone to help you out. He’s also so dedicated to saving Ethan’s son that he’s willing to risk his life for it. What isn’t to love about a man who’s putting his life on the line for a kid he doesn’t know?

2. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
laracroft

You cannot put “hot” and “video game character” in the same sentence without mentioning Lara Croft, who is arguably the world’s greatest female video game character. Lara is the original (and female version of) Nathan Drake: badass traveller with a knack of avoiding death and getting into mysterious locations and dangerous situations. I mean, come on, the girl learned to survive as a teenager all by herself, all the while keeping her tight body and beautiful British accent. And yes, one cannot go on without mentioning her large bust.

1. Chris Redfield (Resident Evil series)
chrisredfield

One usually thinks “I wish a man like Chris Redfield were real”. Well there’s no one even close. That’s how perfect this man is. He’s big, strong, loyal to his friends and family, a good charmer with a dedication to his work. He’s also willing to travel across the world to save his sister. And look at those biceps of his; I bet he could give the Hulk a run for his money when it comes to bench pressing. Chris is the right example of an action hero and is what all action heroes should aspire to be… and should aspire their chests and arms to be that big also.

If you’re all hot and flustered after reading that list, then you are now “one of us”. Welcome. We will treat you well.

– by Noah La’ulu

Kindle… Schmindle

I don’t trust you Kindle users. I’ve seen you around and to be honest, I look at you askance. Askance, and with something akin to pity in my eyes. Or maybe it’s just thinly veiled contempt.

Books come in all shapes and sizes, they have nice covers, you can flick through them and even write in them. Unless it’s a library book… you can’t write in a library book. Book rhymes with “nook” and “cook” and “rook” unless you happen to hail from Yorkshire in which case it rhymes with gobbledygook.

Kindle… dwindle… swindle… schmindle.

The word Kindle, meaning “to set light to” or “to set on fire” seems an ominous sort of  name. Are they suggesting some metaphorical book burning is in order to clear the way for their electronic witchcraft? I remember another chap who didn’t like books and in fact used them as kindling for other books and by all accounts he couldn’t write worth a shit either.

There are books out there I have searched for years to find and to no avail. I’ve trawled through bookstores and op-shops with the vain hope that I might find a second-hand copy of some Kurt Vonnegut title or other. And when I found it, away I would steal, like Roald Dahl’s BFG off to the Land of Dreams… Surely you’ve seen the Quentin Blake illustration of the famous giant? Ah, you read it on a Kindle. Tough titties.

'You is never doing anything unless you tries' BFG (SOURCE: Global Panorama's Flickr photostream)

‘You is never doing anything unless you tries’ BFG (SOURCE: Global Panorama’s Flickr photostream)

When I arrive home with my brown paper bag crinkling against my tweed weskit I slide my papyrus trophy to nestle against her fellow brothers and sisters of the printing press. And there may she wait in silent, bookish contemplation until finally reanimated by human curiosity.

“Do you accept Kindle’s terms and conditions before you continue?’

“Nay, damn you I accept neither. Nor your right to demand any such acceptance, you swine.”

You may laugh at me moving house, weeping with the effort of dragging box after box of words. Me, forcing the unyielding bastards into the back of the car, whilst you charge your Kindle with the cigarette-lighter in the front. Your laughter will turn to bitterest tears when your flimsy Kindle is trapped between a box of my literary heavy weights and a George Foreman grill (he’s so proud of it he put his name on it).

Have you even considered the humble librarian? Proud literary custodians since days of yore. Where’s your sense of mystery, your sense of occasion? Where’s your sense of common human decency? Have you even considered the librarian at all? For shame…

The librarian is a bibliophile first and foremost. They care for all the books from Douglas Adams to Markus Zusak (who wrote The Book Thief not “The Kindle Swindler”). They care for them all without passion or prejudice whether it be Jane Eyre or Edward Cullen, Harry Potter or Beatrix Potter, Dorian Grey or Christian Grey. The librarian abides. However I like to think that when the stoic chronicler is confronted with the image of you squinting at Dan Brown on that spineless auto-cue you call an “e-book”, they shed a single tear. What was it J.M Barrie said? “Every time a child reads a Kindle there is a little librarian somewhere that falls down dead.” Something along those lines anyway.

Before you try to get smart with me, I wrote this on a type-writer before sending it by pigeon to an alchemist who transformed it into this format. You may well call me a Luddite and  I very well may be but were I alive in the days of Neil Ludd I’d be on the side of the workers and you’d be a “Fat Cat” trampling us and starving our families in the name of profit and progress. You’d probably have gout.

Bloody kindles…

– by James Andrews

Top 10 Badass Who Villains

Let’s face it; Doctor Who has the most badass villains ever! But who’s the most badassest of them all? Solstice Satisfaction takes a look at the worst of them.

All images from various Doctor Who sources, including The Doctor Who Site.

10. Sontarans
sontarans

The frightening soldier-like race only made less scary by the fact that they look like potatos with bodies, the Sontarans are quite fond of killing and think of it as a type of leisure, so that alone should make even the mightiest Time Lord or human companion wary of these potatos-in-blue-suits.

9. Autons
autons

If you work in retail, I feel bad for you son, I’ve got 99 problems, but a store mannequin turning into a killing Auton ain’t one. These “plastic people” are controlled by the Nestene Consciousness and shoot these really nifty lasers out of their plastic hands. They’re also frightening because people are used to store mannequins and will let their guard down. But you shouldn’t. Rose Tyler isn’t in this dimension to save you.

8. Vashta Nerada
Vashta_nerada

“Hey! Who turned out the lights?” If this sentence resonates with you as a Whovian, then you’ll know why the Vashta Nerada are so frightening. I could only describe the Vashta Nerada as a type of darkness that kills you and takes control of your physical body while replaying the last thing you ever said constantly. If you were in a River Song spacesuit. If you were just wearing trackies and a sweater… I’d say it’d be much worse.

7. The Beast
the-beast

The Beast is commonly referred to as the Devil. Or Satan. Or Lucifer. Whatever you’d like to call it. Either way, he is just as scary as every demonic version of him suggests, although I’m pretty sure he’s like 50 feet tall and lives in the fiery depths of hell. Or whatever your version of hell is.

6. Empty Child/Children
emptych

If there is one seemingly innocent line that can freak out a Whovian, it’s this: “Are you my mummy?” What turned one child with a gas mask on into an entire colony of people wearing gas masks all saying “Are you my mummy?” became one of the most frightening things of the entire Doctor Who universe, or Whoniverse. Let’s just say I can’t look at gas masks the same way.

5. Silence
silence

How are you supposed to take the fight to a creature that you can’t even remember? The Silence, who look like regular stereotypical aliens sometimes dressed in dapper suits, are actually deadly in the fact that as soon as you look away from them, you can’t even remember them. Just make sure you carry a marker around with you to let your body know how many times you’ve actually seen them.

4. Weeping Angels
weepingangels

If there is one thing worse than forgetting a creature, it’s not looking away from it. The Weeping Angels feed off time energy and are the reason why Amy and Rory had to separate from Eleven. Their shtick is simple: they are angel statues when you look at them. You blink, and they’re all of a sudden right in your face. Don’t take your eye off them, because the moment they touch you, you’ve gone back way in time and have to live a life in an era you don’t know.

3. The Master
masterjohn

The one Time Lord who is capable of giving the Doctor the heebie jeebies is The Master. His friend. His rival. His nemesis. Only made less frightening by his unpredictable behaviour, the Master doesn’t have the same kindness to humans as the Doctor does. Although, we can take comfort in that Martha Jones once stopped him from taking over the world.

2. Cybermen
cybermen

“Deleeeete!” If you hear this, you should either duck or roll to the side. Or ultimately give up and surrender. Because that is the word a Cyberman will shout before he shoots you and kills you, just like that. Cybermen were once humans who were convered into this robotic killing machines and are completely devoid of human emotions or feelings. What is worse than having no feelings!

1. Daleks
daleks

What looks like a rolling machine with a rod sticking out of its head to a non Whovian is actually the most deadly Who villain of them all. The Daleks, the rivals of the Time Lords. The rivalry led to the Time War which left the Doctor wandering the world by himself as the only Time Lord left in existence. Of course, if you need a hand defeating the Daleks, the Doctor has several companions who have been known to EXTERMINAAAATE them. Here’s looking at you, Bad Wolf Rose Tyler.

Be glad that all these creatures aren’t real.

Or are they?

Don’t blink!

– by Noah La’ulu