My Wrestlemania 30, according to TEW 2013

I have enough time to pretend to run a wrestling company and run this site. I must be Superman.

TEW 2013, or Total Extreme Wrestling 2013 for those of you who aren’t in the know, is a wrestling simulator where the player can choose to book or totally own his/her own wrestling company. At first, with the default database, players can choose from fictitious wrestling companies with cartoonified wrestling personalities.

If you download the right database, of course, then you can run (or pretend to run) real life companies such as WWE and TNA. Me? I’ve been a WWE guy all my life.

How would Wrestlemania 30 have turned out if main evented by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk? (SOURCE: Miguel Discart's Flickr photostream)

How would Wrestlemania 30 have turned out if main evented by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk? (SOURCE: Miguel Discart’s Flickr photostream)

We all know what happened at the REAL Wrestlemania 30 – Daniel Bryan beating Triple H and then going on to beat Randy Orton and Batista to become the underdog World Heavyweight Champ – but that wasn’t my Wrestlemania 30. In fact, while it had its similarities, it was far from my Wrestlemania 30.

Now, as a way to fill space on my website, I present to you… Noah’s Wrestlemania 30!

Wrestlemania 30 Match card (in order of appearance):
Pre-show
Eddie Edwards wins a 30-man over-the-top-rope battle royal in his debut match
The Bella Twins (Brie and Nikki) (c) defeated Aksana and Tamina to retain the WWE Divas Tag Team Championships
Davey Richards (w/ Satisfaction) defeated Alberto Del Rio and Mike Bennett (w/ Eva Marie) in a triple-threat match
Kaitlyn won a Divas Battle Royal

Main card
Match #1
Randy Orton w/ Stacy Keibler vs. Christian
Ever since costing him a World title opportunity, Christian has had it in for Randy Orton. The two men had embroiled in several unsanctioned brawls and beatdowns and they were finally given the chance to settle their differences at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Randy Orton

Match #2
The Kings of Wrestling (Antonio Cesaro and Kassius Ohno) (c) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins) vs. Brute Force (Jon Cutler and Mason Ryan) w/ Satisfaction vs. The Briscoes (Jay and Mark Briscoe) w/ Audrey Marie for the WWE Tag Team Championships
The Kings of Wrestling were praised when they defeated Ryback and manager Satisfaction for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Unhappy with this, Satisfaction set Brute Force after them. Meanwhile, the Briscoes and the Shield had gotten into their own rivalry and it was decided that all four teams would battle it out for the gold.
Winner: The Kings of Wrestling

Match #3
Dolph Ziggler vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Charlotte
Dolph Ziggler showed why he is dubbed “Mr Steal Your Girl” after pursuing Cody Rhodes’ girlfriend, Charlotte Flair. Rhodes didn’t take too kindly to this and began physically tormenting Ziggler. The two men were given the opportunity to duke it out at Wrestlemania with the devious Charlotte at ringside.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Match #4
Kelly Kelly (c) vs. AJ Lee vs. Natalya w/ Blade Hart vs. Angelina Love for the WWE Divas Championship
Kelly Kelly had been a fighting champion ever since winning the Divas title back at the Royal Rumble. Kelly made a tag team pact with Angelina to fight off AJ Lee and Natalya at Elimination Chamber, but soon it was every woman for herself. Alliances were broken and every Diva knew that their could only be ONE Divas Champion.
Winner: AJ Lee (NEW Divas Champion)

Match #5
The Undertaker vs. The Big Show vs. The Miz
The Big Show and the Miz had been arguing over who was going to get the shot at Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak, feuding all the way from late December to early April. An executive decision was made that both men would get their shot Undertaker in a triple threat match.
Winner: The Undertaker

Match #6
Roman Reigns (c) vs. Novakaine w/ Satisfaction for the WWE United States Championship
Roman Reigns made a big name for himself after breaking away from the Shield, his biggest victory coming when he defeated the seemingly unstoppable Novakaine for the US title. It wasn’t long before Satisfaction had sicked Novakaine on his rival, telling his client to win the United States gold back at any cost.
Winner: Roman Reigns

Match #7
Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Sheamus vs. Adrian Neville vs. Wade Barrett vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Jack Swagger w/ Zeb Colter in a six-pack challenge for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Kofi Kingston, Adrian Neville, Wade Barrett and Ted DiBiase had been quarreling over the Intercontinental Championship for quite some time, while Sheamus and Jack Swagger attempted to settle their own differences as well. It was decided that Sheamus and Swagger would join the fight for the gold in a six-pack challenge where the winner takes all.
Winner: Jack Swagger (NEW Intercontinental Champion)

Match #8
The Rock vs. Ryback w/ Satisfaction in a Last Man Standing Match
Ryback and his handler, Satisfaction, had been a thorn in the Rock’s side in the past few months. After suffering a loss against Ryback at Wrestlemania 29 in a triple threat also featuring John Cena, the Rock was looking for revenge, especially after the hellish torment at the hands of Satisfaction.
Winner: The Rock

Match #9
John Cena (c) vs. Batista vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
John Cena had been a fighting champion ever since beating the conniving Chris Jericho. After a brutal attack at the hands of Brock Lesnar, it seemed as if Cena had met his match… until Batista inserted himself into the picture. It was decided by the power that be that Cena would defend his title against both men in a triple threat.
Winner: John Cena

Match #10
Eva Marie vs. Lacey Von Erich in a Playboy Pillowfight match
It was only a matter of time for “Red Hot” Eva Marie to land the cover of Playboy. It wasn’t until she began rubbing it in everyone’s faces that Lacey Von Erich took exception to it. The two beautiful Divas had been clawing at each other ever since – even involving Eva’s boyfriend Mike Bennett and Lacey’s cousins Ross and Marshall – and were set to fight it out at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Eva Marie

Match #11
CM Punk (c) vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship
It was a true underdog Cinderella story for Daniel Bryan. After winning a 40-man Royal Rumble, Bryan kept his decision to himself as he fended off then-rival Cody Rhodes. After stating that he would chase Punk’s WWE Championship, the two ring technicians would collide at the main event of Wrestlemania.
Winner: Daniel Bryan (NEW WWE Champion)

Mine’s A LOT better than the real one, isn’t it?

– by Noah La’ulu

The Beautiful People: George “Ferocious” Kambosos Jr

Cocky, brash and arrogant are just a few words that could describe young George “Ferocious” Kambosos Jr.

“I want them to remember my name,” he says.

Fit, strong, and determined... and he's only 21. (SOURCE: George Kambosos Jr's Facebook page)

Fit, strong, and determined… and he’s only 21. (SOURCE: George “Ferocious” Kambosos Jr’s Facebook page)

Looking at the ripped young man from Cronulla covered in ink, you wouldn’t suspect that he was once bullied for being fat when he was younger.

The 21-year-old first got into boxing when he was 11 years old as a way to get into shape during the rugby league off season. While George insists that he was not “heavily bullied”, comments from his school peers like “you’re fat” may have ultimately led him to where he is today.

“My dad said ‘…let’s start getting you a little bit fitter in the off season. What do you want to do?’ So I took up boxing for a bit,” says Kambosos Jr.

“I went from running laps coming last to the next season coming first.”

This simple way to get fitter turned out to be a “life changing” thing for Kambosos Jr.

“I fell in love with it,” he says.

His upcoming fight with Robert “Gummy” Toomey (Friday August 29 at Club Punchbowl for the Australian Lightweight Title) has George’s full attention, where he is prepared to walk out to the meeting before the bout wielding a packet of gummy bears to taunt his opponent, a move that he says “no Australian boxer really does”.

“I like to always stick to a fight. August 29 is my main objective. If you look too far in the future, you end up falling too early,” says Kambosos Jr.

His cocky approach to his upcoming fight, along with his almost arrogant attitude, stem from a pure love of the sport that he fell into as a child.

“It’s a sport. As much as it kill or be killed, it’s a sport,” says Kambosos Jr.

“Without boxing, I don’t know where I’d be.”

He sums up his love for boxing by saying, “This is my livelihood. I don’t know anything else. This is what I do.”

The sport of boxing can prove to be difficult to ascend up the ladder especially in Australia. Kambosos Jr was well aware of this and took it upon himself to get his name out there by combining his brash confidence with the benefits of social media.

“It’s a very tough gig… trying to get that fame and get people behind you,” he says.

With Toomey targeted, Kambosos Jr used social media to get into his head and provoke a reaction to score a fight that is the biggest fight of his life.

“I called him [Toomey] out,” he says. “(I said) ‘Toomey, you’re the champ. Let’s get it on, it’s the fight Australia wants to see’.

“That went onto a big boxing site and exploded on comments.

“Two days later, I got a call from the promoter. Fight’s on.”

Underneath the hard exterior and confident swagger lies a lion whose hard work ethic and determination to be the best wiped out any desire to cut corners to come first when he was a kid. Literally.

“All the kids (would be) cutting the corners and I’d be running normal,” he recalls. “My dad was like ‘Why don’t you cut the corners? You might finish second last’.

“(I replied with) ‘I’m going to do it the right way. I don’t care if I come last, it’ll pay off eventually in the long run’,” says Kambosos Jr.

It would seem overcoming adversity runs in the Kambosos family. George Kambosos Sr – Jr’s paternal grandfather – originally came to Australia from Greece with nothing. He worked hard at two jobs to set up his family to make it what it is today.

“No one disagrees with my choice of boxing,” says Kambosos Jr. “My dad’s always there by my side. He looks after a lot of the behind-the-scenes stuff that I shouldn’t be worrying about. My mum’s there making sure I’m eating healthy.”

George’s father Jim Kambosos believes that while boxing isn’t something that every parent wants their child to do, he and his wife are more than happy to support George in his sporting career.

“He took a passion and love for it and he found exactly what he wanted to do because he had a talent for it. We supported him rather than kind of turning him away from it,” says Jim.

“We just said, ‘Look, if that’s what you want to do, we’ll support you in every way.’ We’ve always supported him and we always will.”

George’s love for his family extends to the skin of his body, most of which is covered by ink from his chest, arms and even to his ankles.

“That’s my hobby outside of boxing,” says George regarding his tattoos. “Everything means something to me.”

Branded across his chest in ink is a phrase that George calls one of his mottos: Dream without fear.

“That works with not just boxing but it works anything. Don’t let nothing (sic) stop you.”

Who’s Gonna Stop Ronda Rousey?

I will happily admit that I am definitely not the person. Not because of my gender either.

I’ve always kept my eye on UFC, finding MMA an intriguing sport as, in my own words, it was “like boxing but kind of, like, not”. Watching a bunch of men beat the living shit out of each other in a cage was entertaining, sure, but it wasn’t until UFC introduced the women’s bantamweight division – their first women’s division EVER – that I truly fell in love with the sport. Again, watching men beat the living shit out of each other in a cage was entertaining, but watching two women do it was sensational. We’re talking proper let’s-get-it-on-and-smash-each-other fighting, not mini-skirt-high-heel-catfight-scratch fighting.

There's a lot to be said about a woman who looks this good and can beat you up with her eyes closed. (SOURCE: Ronda Rousey's Facebook)

There’s a lot to be said about a woman who looks this good and can beat you up with her eyes closed. (SOURCE: Ronda Rousey’s Facebook)

Current UFC Women’s Bantamweight champion and total all-around badass Ronda Rousey is undefeated in pro MMA bouts for a reason. If she hasn’t got her opponent down on the floor in a tightly sinched armbar to make them submit, she’s punching them fair in the face and then laying into them to knock them out.

A few of Ronda Rousey’s accolades include:
[x] First and current UFC Women’s Bantamweight champion
[x] Therefore making her the first UFC Women’s champion ever
[x] Undefeated professional record of 10-0-0
[x] Blockbuster star in The Expendables 3 alongside Sly Stallone, Jason Statham and Dolph Lundgren, just to name a few
[x] Multiple awards in 2013 for “Female Fighter of the Year” from different organizations
[x] The first woman to score a medal in Olympic judo for United States of America

In a similar fashion, Ronda Rousey’s victims include:
[x] Alexis Davis, an impressive fighter who was knocked out by Rousey in 16 seconds
[x] Miesha Tate, Rousey’s well documented rival who has fallen to her twice via armbar submission (but was the first woman to take her past the first round, so kudos to her.)
[x] Sara McMann, whose first loss was at the hands of Rousey
[x] Liz Carmouche, who nearly took Rousey to the second round but just fell short

I could go on and on listing what Rousey’s done in her career and who she’s beaten but the fact is simple: Ronda Rousey is outstanding.

And it seems as if she’s running out of competition…

If recent reports were to be believed, that might not be the case for much longer.

Solstice Satisfaction has decided to choose a few women who might have a shot of taking the UFC Women’s Bantamweight Championship off the woman who seems mighty freaking unstoppable:

Gina Carano
The one female MMA fighter who has made as big a name for herself as Ronda Rousey is none other than Gina Carano. As beautiful as she is deadly, the recent reports alluded to previously have suggested that Garano might make her presence known in UFC if Dana White can strike a deal with her. It’s been rumoured that if she is signed, she would shoot past all the UFC women’s bantamweight contenders and challenge Rousey for the title. The two biggest names in female MMA? Hell yes!

Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino
The only woman to have defeated Gina Carano in professional MMA is the Cyborg, a name aptly given to the woman for her freakish strength and freakish, like, everything. Marred by controversy for having a win reversed into a no decision for testing positive to an anabolic steroid, the Cyborg might be the woman who could take Rousey to her limits.

Cat Zingano
Also currently undefeated in professional MMA fights, Zingano is one of the best pound-for-pound female fighters in the world. The no#1 ranked pound-for-pound female fighter in the world? Ronda Rousey. She was the first woman to win a “Fight of the Night” award (along with Miesha Tate) and was also victorious in said fight, so that’s saying something. It would be interesting to see both Zingano and Rousey put their undefeated streaks on the line to fight each other.

Well, until Rousey is defeated – and I personally hope that takes a while because I may or may not have the biggest idol crush on Rousey – it looks as if the Rowdy one is going to take full charge of women in MMA.

Unless the new strawweights have anything to say about it.

– by Noah La’ulu

What We Learned in Origin 2014

The biggest sporting series in Australia is now over.

State of Origin 2014 saw angry words thrown around, dodgy calls made by the refs, butterfingers dropping balls at the most crucial times, and people not seeing a pass being thrown at them. Oh, and Oscar winning “injury” performances from players.

But if there are a few specific things that we have learned over the Origin series, these would be it:

(DISCLAIMER: As a loyal Queensland supporter, I will try my darndest to be as liberal as possible regarding the situation)

Because if anyone was going to be the thumbnail of this piece, it was Cozza. (SOURCE: Queensland Maroons Facebook page)

Because if anyone was going to be the thumbnail of this piece, it was Cozza. (SOURCE: Queensland Maroons Facebook page)


1. Corey Parker can offload from a boat in Switzerland completely blindfolded and still do it properly

Now I’m not just saying this because he is so obviously my most favourite player in the game – and possibly one of my biggest idols in the world – but Corey Parker is the King of offloads. While he missed game two due to an unfortunate facial fracture, Parker’s performances in game one and three were so outstanding that even I was surprised of all the tricks he was pulling out of his tight sleeves. It’s just like… how? His performance last night in game three was definitely worthy of the Man of the Match award he was so rightfully given. Well done, Cozza!

2. Trent Hodkinson is as great as everyone makes him out to be
I was personally not sold on Hodkinson being the halfback for NSW because I didn’t think he was that great in the Doggies. I just thought he was okay… above average at best. However, Hodkinson and his dark, dark soulless eyes proved me wrong, especially in game two where he brokeded my heart and won the series for NSW. Sadface. He’s actually a stellar playmaker for both the Blues and the Doggies and I will go on the record and apologise for selling him short.

3. Not everyone is cut out for Origin
So I went into the series believing that Dave Taylor was the most in-form forward in the league and it was a travesty that he wasn’t selected to be part of the team for game one. Alas, in game two, my prayers were answered, and Taylor proved me… wrong. I would literally cringe watching him get the ball because I knew it would be a matter of time before he dropped it. The same could be said for Matt Gillett and Chris McQueen. Both of these Queensland players are outstanding in their respective clubs – Gillett being in best career form for the Broncos – but in the Maroons side, they kind of failed. The same could be said about last year’s Blues halves, Mitchell Pearce and James Maloney.

4. Origin is more emotional than people think
During the last moments of game two, my anxiety kicked in and I literally had a panic attack over the game. After we lost the series in the most disappointing game two I’ve ever seen, you know what I did? I cried. I shed actual tears over a rugby league game. I retired to my bedroom to cry some more, and then my sister joined me, and then we ate Maltesers in the dark in complete silence. If that alone doesn’t highlight just how emotional this game can get, you’re kidding yourself.

5. Queensland isn’t unstoppable
Some footy fans were lulled into a false sense of security because our side has outstanding players, “The Big Four” included. Couple that with our eight in a row series wins and I went into the series thinking that we had this in the bag. I felt generally safe, thinking that until Slater, Cronk, Smith and Inglis would retire, we’d always win. Well, clearly we didn’t. When it comes down to it, the Blues played better overall and as much as I don’t like it, they deserved to win this year.

6. The no punching rule is stupid
I miss Origin biffs. Bring them back please. All these “let’s get into each other’s faces and breathe deeply and not do anything and mutter angry words to each other” situations are really pathetic. I was expecting to see some fists flying last night because, hey, NSW had already won, but no. It’s just part of the rugby league culture to get into a physical disagreement now and then. Deal with it.

7. Hayne is not better than Slater
The rivalry between these two players has been well documented over the years, so much that some Blues enthusiasts have said that Hayne is better than Slater. Well, Queensland fan or not, that is simply not true. If not demonstrated by Slater’s performance versus Hayne’s performance, Slater is clearly the more talented fullback. Even if he does get away with a couple of misdemeanours that others can’t.

8. The referees need some serious counselling
Now, I’m not going to single out one individual ref, but I think the NRL referees in general need some guidance when it comes to calling the most important rugby league series of the year. Too many times have we seen stupid calls made this year and that alone has ruined the spirit and buzz of Origin. Please, referees, I have four words for you: sort your shit out.

Needless to say, congrats to the Blues and their very aggressive fans. You finally broke our streak. But we’ll be taking our trophy back next year, thanks.

CALL TO ME, CALL TO MEEEEEE.

– by Noah La’ulu