You Know What Sh!ts Me?: Facebook Laundromats

You know what really shits me?

Today’s topic: Facebook laundromats… in other words, people who constantly put their dirty laundry on Facebook.

When Facebook politely asks you in that little clever box at the top of your newsfeed “What’s on your mind?”, they don’t really want to know what’s on your mind. It is not an invitation to delve deep into your inner psyche and let it all out for the whole world and their pets to find out.

No one cares about your dirty laundry. Not this chick. She's reading a book. (SOURCE: Gideon's Flickr photostream)

No one cares about your dirty laundry. Not this chick. She’s reading a book. (SOURCE: Gideon’s Flickr photostream)

Some people have trouble differentiating between what is appropriate to post on Facebook and what isn’t appropriate… and uploading a status talking about how your boyfriend left you and you wish nothing but death upon him is actually very inappropriate. But who cares? Whatever works, right?

WRONG.

What you are doing is creating unnecessary drama by putting your personal problems out there for everyone to see. What you are doing is giving people more ammunition to use against you in case the opportunity ever arise. What you are doing is making a complete fool of yourself by turning to social media for sympathy when your best friend is just a simple phone call away.

My philosophy on this is simple: if you are my friend, I care about you. If you have a problem, I will do my best to help you with your problem. If you post this problem on Facebook and expect sympathy from me, stop wasting your time because zero fucks are given about your issue when you’re waving it around on social media.

You know the saying (however it goes)… “people don’t care about your problems, they just want to know what’s going on.” It applies to this very case. What you may think is a very cryptic status could very well paint a larger picture than you intended. “Feels alone :(” could easily translate into “My girlfriend won’t spend time with me because I’m an arsehole and now I regret it.” Your attempt at being incognito failed. Maybe you would have been better off not saying anything at all, huh?

What shits me even more is when these people who air their dirty laundry for the world to see are confused as to why people think it’s okay to involve themselves into their drama. I don’t know, whose fault is it – the idiot who made it publicly viewable for everyone to see and therefore have an opinion on, or Barney the dinosaurs? Definitely not Barney. If you don’t want people to involve themselves in your personal drama, DON’T INVOLVE THEM BY PUTTING IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. It’s really quite simple, actually.

If you have problems like I’m sure everyone does, seek out help personally. Even if we live in the digital age, driving to your mate’s place or calling your mum late at night to help you has not gone out of fashion. In fact, I’m sue you could resolve a problem easier that way than asking however many Facebook friends you have for advice because they won’t care… they’ll just want to know what’s going on.

So, everyone on Facebook, I have five words for you that should have a long-lasting effect on you: think about what you post.

– by Noah La’ulu

What I Miss About You, Bebo

I don’t know about you, but as a young youth growing up in Sydney (say between the ages of 13 and 16), the go to social networking site was Bebo. Sure, MySpace and Hi-5 were around back then, but Bebo was the one that all the cool kids went on.

Share the luv!

Share the luv!

Now, we have Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and Tumblr and all of the above, and pretty much no one uses Bebo anymore. Why? Because Bebo simply became outdated. It’s the unfortunate truth with trends – they all go out of fashion eventually. Regardless of this – and my love for Facebook – there are several things that I miss about that good ol’ red B.

What I miss about you…

[x] Share the luv. How grand was it pestering people to give you “luv” so your little love heart count could top that of your high school rivals. I specifically remember having a pretty damn high luv count compared to those of my high school classmates and I always felt the need to brag about it. How did I get such a high number of luv? Via pestering, of course. And “luv for luv”.

[x] Flash boxes. Remember how you could have a video or some other form of “flash box” play on your Bebo profile? Wasn’t that the coolest thing ever? I remember my first flash box was Control Myself by LL Cool J ft. Jennifer Lopez. I don’t even know why; I didn’t even like that song that much. After, however, I managed to get Pacman into my flash box and became the coolest kid on the block. Subtle JLo reference. It just added that extra zing to your profile to establish just who the hell you were in the land of Bebo.

[x] Top 16. You knew your relationship was real when you were in each others top 16. It was cool but also quite pressuring to establish your top 16 because if someone had you in their top 16 and the feelings weren’t reciprocated, well, that just made it awkward for everyone. Of course, to make sure this didn’t happen, there were always “I’ll put you in my top 16 if you put me in yours” conversations. Problem solved.

[x] Other halves. Aww. You had your friends, you had your top 16 friends, and then you had your other half. This person would get their own little space on your profile with a cute little message attached to them. The twelvies would always have their flavours of the week with “luv u bbygurl s2″ which was awkward because they always broke up like five minutes after. I can happily say I had under five other halves and they were never romantic counterparts.

[x] Photo stealing. How annoying is it if you want to steal someone else’s picture on Facebook and then re-upload it onto your own profile? That’s a long tedious procedure if you ask me. Back on Bebo, all you had to do was select the picture you wanted to steal, click “Copy”, pick an album to put it in, and voila – it’s there. No bruises or scratches.

[x] Custom skins. What was originally made famous on MySpace became a big thing on Bebo. While we’ve become accustomed to the Facebook blue default skin and probably couldn’t care less about it, the cool thing about Bebo was the option to pick a cool profile skin and jazz it up a bit. I once dabbled in creating my own Bebo skins and came up with cool WWE Diva skins, like Mickie James and Torrie Wilson. Complete with “Made by Noah La’ulu” tag, of course.

With news that Bebo is making a comeback and will be better than before, may we see the return of luv sharing, flash boxes and other halves? Hopefully. However, I will give my honest journo’s opinion – I don’t see Bebo toppling Facebook at this point in time. It’ll be nice to see them try, though.

Much luv to all of you SolSatters!

– by Noah La’ulu

Happy New Year!

Goodbye 2013, hello 2014.

2014, what year will you be to me?

2014, what year will you be to me?

New Years is always a good time to get together with friends and family and celebrate the new collection-of-365-days. It’s one of the best holidays of the year – unless you work in retail like me and don’t actually get New Years off (by choice) – so it’s important to kick back and relax during the day.

Alas, not every holiday is perfect. Just like people who hate car antlers during Christmas, there are some things that I dread every New Years…

Things I hate about New Years…
[x] The “this is what I did in the year and omg I am such a better person than I was 365 days ago” statuses you see on Facebook. They pop up EVERY year and people are always making fun of them, yet they seem to get more popular with each year. These are those ones that are like “2013 was such a good year for me. I did this, did that, also did this, also did that, omg my life is so amazing, my year was so better than yours”. Tough titties. I had an amazing 2013. I met my idol Corey Parker. Twice. Don’t see me bragging about it.
[x] The ones who make statuses mocking the aforementioned post above, but use it as an excuse to write the exact same thing they’re criticising. There is a special place reserved in hell for hypocrites.
[x] New Year’s Resolutions. Hate them. I don’t want to sound cynical but I just think people use the New Year as an excuse to set goals they could do on June 25th or September 14th, like, what is stopping you from making goals any other day in the year?
[x] People who complain that the year just had was shit and that the new year will be better. With an attitude like that, young lad or lady, all of your years are going to be shit. Just sayin’.

Just not to sound like a bitter hater, here are a few…

Things I love about New Years
[x] I love the camaraderie the celebration brings. A bunch of strangers flock up to Sydney Harbour and are so chummy with each other even though they will never see each other ever again. It’s a refreshing sight to see.
[x] Happy New Year text messages. While I obviously don’t need a reminder that it is a new year, I still like receiving these. Makes me feel loved.
[x] Fireworks pictures and videos. I don’t necessarily find the idea of fireworks entertaining but I still appreciate their beauty so even though I may miss some, at least there are photos and videos I can watch.
[x] Grog. ‘Nuff said.

Please keep these in mind, especially the things I don’t like. And train yourself not to do it when 2015 comes in. On behalf of the entire SolSat team, I wish you all a very Happy New Year! Here’s to an equally amazing year!

– by Noah La’ulu

Friendships Defined by Facebook Birthday Messages

When you see someone you know at the shops or something, you either think “Oh crap, turn around before they see you” or “Hey it’s Joe, I should go say hello to him.” When you’ve approached Joe, however, you’re stuck as to whether or not you should shake his hand, hug him, give him a good ol’ arse pat or kiss him on the cheek.

I should name this... "Noah's Friendship Theory".

I should name this… “Noah’s Friendship Theory”.

Exactly when does someone become so close that they graduate from wave to handshake and handshake to hug? Well, I thought about this and I’ve figured it out – the level of love you have for a friend of yours can easily be found by the intensity of a birthday message you write to them on Facebook.

Here’s my theory (and for the examples, I’ll be using “Samantha”):

Wave and/or Smile
These are for people you kind of know but aren’t too close with. These are the ones you’d either “forget” to write to on their birthday, or you’d write something along the lines of:

Happy birthday Samantha.
Happy birthday!
Have a good one!

You don’t love them enough to put in a smiley face or a love heart or some level of enthusiasm to this message, therefore they would be categorised into “Wave and/or Smile”.

Handshake/Fistbump/Hi-five
These are the people who are your friends but you wouldn’t go out of your way to hang with them one on one in case of awkward silences and small talk. You would make an effort to write to these people on their birthday, however a high level of enthusiasm will not be present.

Happy birthday Sammi! Have a solid one!
Happy bday Samantha <3
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

They have enough brownie points with you to garner a kind love heart or smiley face or even capital letters, but that’s it. Don’t be bothered going out of your way to write them a birthday paragraph on how much they mean to you.

Manhug or Awkward Hug-Pat
The awkward hug-pat, when you hug someone but you aren’t that comfortable so you pat them on the back awkwardly to “show some level of affection”, is a step up from a handshake. This one’s interchangeable, I guess; I have known one of my best friends (Rachel) for six years and we’ve been through a lot together and she still hug-pats me, much to my disappointment. These are your good friends that you haven’t established that strong, solid connection with yet. An example of their birthday message would be:

Happy birthday Samantha! Hope all your wishes come true! Love you.
Happy birthday to you Samantha. I hope you get absolutely shitfaced tonight!

These people warrant more than one sentence so that’s definitely saying something.

Bearhug, Cuddle and Kiss
These are your best friends or the friends that you are so close to that you share the same wardrobe. You have a clearly established relationship with this person and you are not worried to share your feelings with them, as such:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA YOU HOT BITCH. WOOOOO CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT!!
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Samantha, happy birthday to you! Love you baby girl <3

You may even want to go that extra mile for this person and post a status on your wall dedicated to their birthday, talking about how much you love them, and maybe even add a cute picture of you two for extra oomph.

So next time you see Joe down the street and you think “How do I greet him?”, just think, “What would I write on his Facebook wall on his birthday?” Problem solved. You’re welcome.

– by Noah La’ulu