You Know What Sh!ts Me?: Facebook Laundromats

You know what really shits me?

Today’s topic: Facebook laundromats… in other words, people who constantly put their dirty laundry on Facebook.

When Facebook politely asks you in that little clever box at the top of your newsfeed “What’s on your mind?”, they don’t really want to know what’s on your mind. It is not an invitation to delve deep into your inner psyche and let it all out for the whole world and their pets to find out.

No one cares about your dirty laundry. Not this chick. She's reading a book. (SOURCE: Gideon's Flickr photostream)

No one cares about your dirty laundry. Not this chick. She’s reading a book. (SOURCE: Gideon’s Flickr photostream)

Some people have trouble differentiating between what is appropriate to post on Facebook and what isn’t appropriate… and uploading a status talking about how your boyfriend left you and you wish nothing but death upon him is actually very inappropriate. But who cares? Whatever works, right?

WRONG.

What you are doing is creating unnecessary drama by putting your personal problems out there for everyone to see. What you are doing is giving people more ammunition to use against you in case the opportunity ever arise. What you are doing is making a complete fool of yourself by turning to social media for sympathy when your best friend is just a simple phone call away.

My philosophy on this is simple: if you are my friend, I care about you. If you have a problem, I will do my best to help you with your problem. If you post this problem on Facebook and expect sympathy from me, stop wasting your time because zero fucks are given about your issue when you’re waving it around on social media.

You know the saying (however it goes)… “people don’t care about your problems, they just want to know what’s going on.” It applies to this very case. What you may think is a very cryptic status could very well paint a larger picture than you intended. “Feels alone :(” could easily translate into “My girlfriend won’t spend time with me because I’m an arsehole and now I regret it.” Your attempt at being incognito failed. Maybe you would have been better off not saying anything at all, huh?

What shits me even more is when these people who air their dirty laundry for the world to see are confused as to why people think it’s okay to involve themselves into their drama. I don’t know, whose fault is it – the idiot who made it publicly viewable for everyone to see and therefore have an opinion on, or Barney the dinosaurs? Definitely not Barney. If you don’t want people to involve themselves in your personal drama, DON’T INVOLVE THEM BY PUTTING IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. It’s really quite simple, actually.

If you have problems like I’m sure everyone does, seek out help personally. Even if we live in the digital age, driving to your mate’s place or calling your mum late at night to help you has not gone out of fashion. In fact, I’m sue you could resolve a problem easier that way than asking however many Facebook friends you have for advice because they won’t care… they’ll just want to know what’s going on.

So, everyone on Facebook, I have five words for you that should have a long-lasting effect on you: think about what you post.

– by Noah La’ulu

Friendships Defined by Facebook Birthday Messages

When you see someone you know at the shops or something, you either think “Oh crap, turn around before they see you” or “Hey it’s Joe, I should go say hello to him.” When you’ve approached Joe, however, you’re stuck as to whether or not you should shake his hand, hug him, give him a good ol’ arse pat or kiss him on the cheek.

I should name this... "Noah's Friendship Theory".

I should name this… “Noah’s Friendship Theory”.

Exactly when does someone become so close that they graduate from wave to handshake and handshake to hug? Well, I thought about this and I’ve figured it out – the level of love you have for a friend of yours can easily be found by the intensity of a birthday message you write to them on Facebook.

Here’s my theory (and for the examples, I’ll be using “Samantha”):

Wave and/or Smile
These are for people you kind of know but aren’t too close with. These are the ones you’d either “forget” to write to on their birthday, or you’d write something along the lines of:

Happy birthday Samantha.
Happy birthday!
Have a good one!

You don’t love them enough to put in a smiley face or a love heart or some level of enthusiasm to this message, therefore they would be categorised into “Wave and/or Smile”.

Handshake/Fistbump/Hi-five
These are the people who are your friends but you wouldn’t go out of your way to hang with them one on one in case of awkward silences and small talk. You would make an effort to write to these people on their birthday, however a high level of enthusiasm will not be present.

Happy birthday Sammi! Have a solid one!
Happy bday Samantha <3
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

They have enough brownie points with you to garner a kind love heart or smiley face or even capital letters, but that’s it. Don’t be bothered going out of your way to write them a birthday paragraph on how much they mean to you.

Manhug or Awkward Hug-Pat
The awkward hug-pat, when you hug someone but you aren’t that comfortable so you pat them on the back awkwardly to “show some level of affection”, is a step up from a handshake. This one’s interchangeable, I guess; I have known one of my best friends (Rachel) for six years and we’ve been through a lot together and she still hug-pats me, much to my disappointment. These are your good friends that you haven’t established that strong, solid connection with yet. An example of their birthday message would be:

Happy birthday Samantha! Hope all your wishes come true! Love you.
Happy birthday to you Samantha. I hope you get absolutely shitfaced tonight!

These people warrant more than one sentence so that’s definitely saying something.

Bearhug, Cuddle and Kiss
These are your best friends or the friends that you are so close to that you share the same wardrobe. You have a clearly established relationship with this person and you are not worried to share your feelings with them, as such:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA YOU HOT BITCH. WOOOOO CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT!!
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Samantha, happy birthday to you! Love you baby girl <3

You may even want to go that extra mile for this person and post a status on your wall dedicated to their birthday, talking about how much you love them, and maybe even add a cute picture of you two for extra oomph.

So next time you see Joe down the street and you think “How do I greet him?”, just think, “What would I write on his Facebook wall on his birthday?” Problem solved. You’re welcome.

– by Noah La’ulu

Sharing Is Caring

…Except when it’s really, really annoying.

The internet has made everything seem trivial. Our entire lives can be shared and updated in seconds and can be edited or deleted at will. Waiting to share life-changing news with someone face-to-face was once an exciting event but ‘ZOMG! Just got engaged! ILY 4EVA’ has a delightful immediacy to it. The major drawback here is that instead of cracking open a bottle of champagne and celebrating with you, your five billion Facebook friends just click ‘like’ and keep scrolling down to the pictures of cats in tights.

In short, through the constant barrage of status updates, tweets, Tumblr posts about every mundane thing in life has led everyone you know to make the same conclusion; we’re just not that into you.

We’re not into Candy Crush, or Farmville or any of the other stupid games you want us to play and we’re not into the stupid events you keep inviting us to. Sorry to say it, but The Battle For Middle Earth is never going to happen.

We’re also really, really, absolutely not at all even remotely interested in cats as you are. Please for the love of God don’t share every single misspelled picture of cats who desperately want a ‘cheezbergr’ that finds its way into your newsfeed.

33743396

The only cat in the world I don’t hate.

As a general rule, people who are truly your friends think you’re pretty great. Instead of hounding them with undeniable proof that you’re actually far from it, you’re better off being more selective about the things you say and share and making sure your social media accounts reflect the best of you.

Great things only become great because someone took time to think, plan and care about them enough to perfect it before unleashing them on the public. It took Homer years to write The Iliad while he could have been out playing golf or something with his mates, but it was worth the effort considering we still read and discuss it 2000 years later. If Homer had merely logged onto Facebook and written ‘Imagine if Achilles killed Hector!? How pissed off would Patroclus be? LOL’ we probably would have scrolled right past it.

Granted, it only took two days for Martin Luther King Jr to write Normalcy- Never Again (more commonly known as the ‘I have a dream speech’) and change the lives of millions of people, but you sharing an anonymous quote about the power of sunshine isn’t really helping anyone. Especially considering it’s the 8000th quote you’ve shared that day. King’s speech was so powerful because the likes of it had never been heard before and have rarely been heard since. Quotes on social media are very much an example of the ‘less is more’ rule.

I can almost -almost- stomach the mindless sharing of every meal you’ve ever eaten in your life. It means you’re not one of the people who shares those “challenges to repost” images. You know the ones-the pictures about how your mum/dad/brother/sister/best friend’s flatmate’s sister is the best or, call me callous, the ‘how many likes for this kid’ putting flowers on a grave or amputee athletes etc.  I care about these people as much as anyone can care for a complete stranger but I detest the ‘let’s see who likes this’ caption, glaring at me like some kind of gauntlet being thrown down by the karma gods. Well F**k you, I’m not playing your game. I’m not reposting your chain letter. If I am cursed with bad luck for seven years or wake up dead tomorrow then so be it; I can’t say I wasn’t warned. But using pictures of sick kids and intimate family moments of people you’ve never met to get likes is far more despicable than me choosing not to join in.

I know for a fact that I’m guilty of almost everything I complain about, but I’m a pretty firm believer in the old “Do as I say, not as I do” thing. My friends already know I’m annoying, so I’m not too concerned about being blocked from their newsfeeds, but the rest of you have time to prove that you are wise and wonderful social media users whose every word is as powerful as Homer’s.

– by Blaire Gillies

Ridiculous Social Media Commenters

You may not notice it when you see it, but everyone has been subject to the viewing of ridiculous and sometimes stupid comments on all forms of social media. I was originally just going to write a post about the commenters who clearly have English as a second language and, regardless of the language barrier they face, still submit a comment in broken English that makes them look ignorant, even though it’s come from a good place.

Think before you write. Please.

Think before you write. Please.

However, after much pondering, I’ve realised there are several types of commenters that need to be charged for their crimes. Let the name and shame… begin!


The Clueless Commenter

As touched on above, the clueless commenter, whether that be for language barrier reasons or just plain ignorance, tend to make foolish comments, whether that be incidental or accidental, on publicly accessible posts, videos or pictures. Examples I tend to see a lot are on Facebook fanpages of celebrities.

Example: I am on Velvet Sky’s Facebook fanpage where it clearly states in the bio and the info that it is strictly a fanpage. I’m looking through the comments for an example to use and see an influx. Here are a few samples:

“I love u baby i wanna know you lover”
“you look good and like you”
“I love u u love me”
“I like your sexy body and want more sexy photos of your’s. Love you baby.”

I could keep going and going and retrieving examples of comments that come from a good place but are just so unnecessary. There were even several pictures posted on the wall of this fanpage of a guy posing… like, what relevance does that have with Velvet Sky? Sure, there’s a chance that Velvet Sky may one day visit this page and read the comments, but some of these comments seem to be addressing Velvet as if that’s her personal page. I don’t mean to be a bitch but it’s just embarrassing to read.

Please, users of social media, do not abuse the right to comment with such stupidity.

The “Like My Comment” Commenter
These commenters tend to frequent YouTube a lot and boy George do they get on my nerves. I don’t even have to go looking for a comment to get an example because you are bound to see one in every second YouTube video you watch. These are the ones that write obnoxious comments like “Like if you’re still listening in 2013!” and “I heart Love and Theft. Like my comment if you do too”.

On Facebook, they don’t come out as often as they do on YouTube but unfortunately, they are still there. “Like if you think the Broncos will make it to the top 8!” I don’t see why I have to justify my thoughts by liking someone else’s comment, but anywho.

People: don’t do this. Please, just don’t.

The YouTube Dislike Commenter
A close relative of the Like My Comment Commenter, the YouTube dislike commenter also seeks attention in the form of an ignorant comment. If you don’t get what I mean, here’s an example: the music video of Love and Theft’s Runnin’ Out of Air is on YouTube, you’re watching it, appreciating their musical genius, admiring how awesome they are… you scroll down to look at what others think of the song and video, and one of the first comments you see is “46 people are running out of air”. In reference to the fact that 46 people have disliked the video.

These commenters pop up everywhere unfortunately. If people want to waste their time trolling the Internet by disliking videos that have no real reason to be disliked, let them.

Also, if I may repeat myself, don’t do this. Please, just don’t.

The Excessive Enter-Pressing Commenter
I admit that one of my best friends is guilty of this and I have let it be known to her that it grinds my gears. These are the people who feel the need to express themselves in multiple small comments as opposed to keeping it wrapped in one neat, singular comment. Example? Let’s use “Brad” and “Sarah”.

Brad: Hey Sarah, haven’t seen you in ages. How are you?
Sarah: Good.
Sarah: Just finished uni.
Sarah: What about you?
Brad: I’m just relaxing in bed. We should catch up some time. When’s good for you?
Sarah: I don’t know.
Sarah: I’ll get back to you.
Sarah: When’s good for you?
Sarah: Lol.

STOP. That twitchy finger that has to press enter… STOP IT. It’s annoying and time consuming.

The Selfish Commenter
Exclusive to Facebook, these are the people who comment on other people’s statuses and/or posts and make it about themselves. Let’s use Brad and Sarah for this example:

Brad’s status:
Just got off the plane in Switzerland. Going to have a good time!
Sarah’s comment:
Yeah like when I went to Switzerland, I done all this amazing stuff and saw all these amazing places and landmarks. I ate this and this and this and drank this and this and this. I bought so much cool things. I want to go back to Switzerland.

Seriously, if you want to recount about how much of a great time you had in Switzerland, write your own status about it. Don’t hijack someone else’s. It’s annoying. What’s even worse is when people seek sympathy on other people’s posts by posting something ridiculous like a sadface or sad comment like “wish my life was that good”.

Just don’t.

I’m sure that there are more types of commenters out there who grind my gears but I think these will do for now. The right of expression and freedom of speech is an amazing thing and I’m glad we all have it. But please don’t abuse that right by saying stupid things in a social media environment.